When I was young I would often have my parents check under my bed and in my closet for monsters, sometimes going as far as to sleep in their room so that I was sure that the terrifying creatures couldn’t get me. On nights that my parents needed a good night’s sleep and didn’t want me in their bed, nightlights provided comfort so that if the monsters were going to eat me I could see them coming and sneak under the covers, sure that would keep me safe. What I was too young to realize is that although monsters are undoubtedly real, they do not hide in the dark and blankets will not save you from them.
They put on masks and disguise themselves as regular people, a lot of times they’re the people that you’re closest to. My monster was particularly good at disguising itself, it sat at my dinner table every night and laughed at my Christmas parties for years. In the light my monster looked like any other person, it went to my wrestling meets and listened when I needed to cry. It was always there to sing me happy birthday, the light from the candles illuminating the disguise that it wanted us to see. This disguise was so convincing that when it slipped and instead of a person laying on the couch next to me, I saw a monster a little too close for comfort, I convinced myself that I was imagining it. After all, monsters weren’t real.After that slip up I kept an eye out and every once in a while I could see the mask slip, but never come all of the way off. I convinced myself that I was imagining it, after all it was just a hand on the thigh, just the snap of a bra strap, just a finger in the waistband, just a hand on the stomach, just this, just that. Isn’t it funny how far we’ll go to convince ourselves that they aren’t real?
Then one night when it was just my monster and me the mask came off. I could no longer hide from the ugly truth. I was stuck in downtown Saint Louis with a monster that blankets and nightlights didn’t keep away. I called my mom at two in the morning to come save me, once again finding comfort in her room. After that night I didn’t know if I would ever feel safe again. I saw monsters in places that had none, and I started dreaming of monsters every night.
I believe that everyone has a monster, and over time you discover what your “blanket” or “nightlight” is so to speak. My night light was my voice, I talked about what my monster did and listened to others talk about their monsters. This helped me to develop a list of things that I believe.
Number one, always trust your gut. If you see a disguise slip say something. Number two, remember that just because they’re close to you doesn’t mean that they can’t be a monster. Then there’s the third and final belief, the monsters can be scary but when you find them you cannot lose yourself. After I discovered my first one it was easy to see them in places that they weren’t, so I had to remind myself that there is good in the world and if I don’t feel like there’s any around me, that’s my sign to be the good in the world.