I felt like a recluse sitting in an unnatural habitat. My nerves were immediately triggered as I tried to make out any familiar faces. I quickly spotted a seat next to a familiar face. We started talking and discovered we were both new to the class. This made me feel more at ease considering I had never been involved in something like this. Looking around, I noticed everyone planted themselves in a chair next to people they were comfortable with. Then all of a sudden, a giant slam and a voice blares instructing us to shut up and listen. The nerves started creeping up on me again as the class was silenced immediately. This was completely new territory and a new experience for me. As the yearbook class began, I sat and listened to the theme, cover, caption, headline ideas, and new visions for this school year. It was all too much for me because I always avoided high-stress situations for the sake of my own anxiety. 

As the year continued, I had help along the way yet I still found myself confused with everything. I made the pages, wrote stories, and took pictures, yet I had no overall idea what was going on. I slowly made myself comfortable in the corner of the class, hoping I wouldn’t be called out or tasked with making another page. Eventually, I just started pretending to know what I was doing. The last few days of the school year, I decided this was undoubtedly not the class for me. I sat silently and tried to be invisible for an entire year before deciding I fully wanted out. I felt useless and a sense of embarrassment. I felt like I didn’t belong because I thought I wasn’t a contributing factor. I finally confessed this to the teacher and was surprised when she tried to convince me to stay. She explained that I had exemplary organizational skills and could be a good leader for the team. I had never been a part of a team, especially not the leader, so I decided to stay and try it another year.

 The next year I felt a bit more at ease knowing what I was walking into. I knew my team and I had an overall idea of what I needed to start working on and how to do it. In a way, I got thrown into a leadership position, but I’m thankful I did. I started to feel more beneficial and learned to take criticism with a grain of salt. I knew nothing was a personal attack but a way to help me improve and not continue to make the same mistakes repeatedly. Junior year was a huge milestone for me and I am confident in saying Yearbook helped me with that. You have to step up and get out of your comfort zone whether you’re genuinely comfortable or absolutely faking it. I ended up faking my confidence as a leader until I finally felt like it was true. I know I’m organized, I know I can help everyone stay on topic, I know when it’s time to click “submit” on a page, and I know when my team is starting to feel overwhelmed or stressed. I finally felt like a leader in the second semester of my Junior year. This realization boosted my confidence and helped me get out of the “fake it” mindset. I gathered everyone I was going to be working with next year and explained exactly what I was envisioning. It felt good to be in charge and have everyone agree and help me create these visions. This made me realize I never had a problem with being a leader, the problem was never having enough confidence and encouragement to step up. 

Starting my Senior year, I felt excited knowing that I was a leader and got to start a new book. Many people fear stepping into this class and that is something I want to help. Though I was thrown into this situation, that is the last thing I want for the new members. I want them to understand that I have felt the same fear and anxiety. That I once fled to the corner and tried to be invisible. That I once tried to avoid the embarrassment of being clueless. I want them to learn and be confident, rather than fake it and hope for the best. This entire journey has helped my confidence, emotions, and social skills. If my 15-year-old self told my now 17-year-old self that I was in charge of a class, confident in my decisions, and finally felt contributional, I would never believe it.